


Sorry

by bccalling



Series: Moments [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Season/Series 03, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8573773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bccalling/pseuds/bccalling
Summary: Sam tries to come to terms with Dean's deal and the fact the he's only hours from losing his brother.





	

“Dean? I’ll give you anything. You know that, right? All you have to do is ask.” Sam’s voice is deep, husky, a little bit broken.

“Sammy,” Dean murmurs, as Sam pushes up into his space, body pressed tight to Dean’s. It makes Dean feel small and vulnerable and protected all at once.

“Just ask.” Sam mumbles again; his hair tickling along the crook of Dean’s neck as he presses his mouth to Dean’s shoulder, open and wet.

Dean’s eyes fall shut on a gasp, and he wants to cry. Because his mind keeps screaming that this is bad and wrong and he deserves every hell he’s about to experience, but Sammy doesn’t and he can’t damn his baby brother like that. Not for this fucked up desire that brothers aren’t supposed to feel.

“Sammy,” he’s near tears, knows what he wants but can’t ask for it. _Can’t_. "I can’t, Sammy. Can’t ask for that. Can’t ever ask for that.”

Dean feels Sam swallow hard, Sam’s face pressing into Dean’s neck, and then Sammy’s trembling, choking out a sob against Dean’s neck, and Dean can feel the hot drip of barely contained tears slipping from his brother’s eyes.

It’s a quick change; the mood shifting immediately from intense desire to sharp pain, and Dean’s so sorry. Because he never wants to hurt Sam, and he hates to see Sammy cry and he hates even more to feel it. And suddenly, Dean doesn’t feel so small anymore. Suddenly, Sammy’s the little brother again and he’s hurt and all he needs is Dean for comfort, just like all those years ago. But Dean’s the one causing this pain, he knows, and Sammy’s everything and Dean just wishes he could fix it.

“I’m sorry,” Dean murmurs, soft and honest and laced with his own pain as he wraps Sam up in his arms, tucks his little brother further into his shoulder and strokes Sam’s hair. “I’m so sorry for hurting you like this. Sammy, I couldn’t let you die. Couldn’t live without you. You’re everything; my whole world. Couldn’t lose you.”

“And how am I supposed to live without you? Dean, _how_?"

Sam’s crying now without restraint, clinging to Dean like a final lifeline, and it hurts so deep in Dean’s soul that he’s not sure he’s going to walk away from this moment whole.

“Sorry, Sammy,” Dean whispers again, pressing endless kisses into Sam’s hair. “So sorry.”

Sam breathes deep against Dean, like he’s trying to memorize his brother’s scent, before he pulls back a bit to look into Dean’s eyes, and Dean’s stunned silent at the adoration he sees in there. Sometimes, Dean thinks Sam couldn’t possibly love Dean the way Dean loves Sam, but when Sam’s standing before him like this, laying everything bare, Dean knows-- _knows_ \--that Sam loves him so deep it should be terrifying. And it is, in a way, but it’s also thrilling. Dean just wishes they had more time. Wants all the time in the world to love his little brother the way Sam deserves. But they don’t have that. Because Dean cut it short, and he can’t damn Sam the way he's damned himself.

“We _can’t_ ," Dean breathes again, voice barely reaching, as his fingers trail along the sharp cut of Sam’s jaw. “ _I_ can’t.”

Sam squeezes his eyes shut against a new flood of tears as he bites the inside of his lip and nods tight. Dean knows Sam understands, wishes, almost, that Sam didn’t, because he’s never wanted more or deeper or stronger. Wants Sam with so much desperation that it hurts. But he can’t take like that. Not with just hours left. Can’t hurt Sam more than he already has.

“Okay,” Sam whispers, dipping his face closer to press his forehead to Dean’s, lips just a breath from his brother’s. “Okay.”

Dean huffs a little laugh in relief and nods a bit, nearly imperceptibly. But he doesn’t pull away, stays close, fingers pressed gentle to his brother’s cheek.

“Thank you.”

Dean’s not sure any sound actually leaves him, as his lips brush Sam’s with the movement.

And it’s just the barest hint of contact, hardly there, and it should be nothing. But it’s not nothing, and Dean feels Sam take in a sharp breath before he surges forward to catch Dean’s lips. It’s gentle and soft and there’s desperation behind it, but Sam keeps it innocent, just a tender press of his lips against Dean’s.

And Dean wishes he could let it break him. Wishes he could fall into Sam and let his brother have anything and everything he’s ever wanted. But he can’t.

So instead, Dean pulls back with a gentle, sad smile and brushes away the tears that are still falling from Sammy’s eyes. He sees the moment Sam accepts everything, from Dean’s refusal to take them further to the deal that’s about to end them.

And as the flood returns, Dean pulls Sammy close and holds him. Rocks his little brother gentle as he offers the only comfort he knows how.


End file.
